Farewell to Democracy

In a not so surprising move this last week, the United States Congress announced that it had finally passed legislation that will reformat U.S Presidential elections into a celebrity reality TV show. Citing increased partisanship and political apathy in the U.S there was overwhelming consensus in the house that this was the right direction for the country.

Many Parents Issuing Recall on Children, Citing “Generally Awful Performance” and “Immense Shame”

After seeing the grades, facebook posts, and fashion choices of their children, several parents have issued recalls, and in some instances, apologies. 
“This cannot go on any longer, this has clearly not just been a bad year; this is a bad person. We hope to bring Terry home, where he will live out the rest of his days in a pleasant environment. Then we will put him down,” says one parent who wished to remain anonymous to retain any dignity Terry left her with. 

This Isn't See You Later; This Is Goodbye

It wasn’t the best of times it was the worst of times: Golden Words is fucking done. It’s worse than the time that guy shit himself non-stop.  It’s worse than when you got so drunk you vomited so hard you can’t vomit anymore and continue to dry heave. Worse than when Lynrd Skynyrd tried to perform an acoustic set at a prison yard and were subsequently beaten to a pulp by 3950 pounds (and 13 consecutive life sentences) of maximum security inmates halfway through the solo of “Free as a Bird".

Top (9)Ways to Ace Your Mideterms Without Studying

Midterms are coming up and let’s be honest, you are fucked. Somewhere between drinking like a fish every weekend and sleeping through 8:30’s, you forgot to study.  But do not despair my academically challenged friend, studying is for losers and if your (almost) daily binge drinking has proven anything to the world, it’s that you are not a loser. So here are 9 foolproof ways for cool people like us to ace our midterms without studying like nerds. 

Queen’s Student Constables and Golden Words United... to Make a Fundraiser

The score is a bazillion to 0. The general populace of Queen’s against one of the most necessary and practical services on Campus and the Queen’s Student Constables. After such a bitter defeat, we put our heads together with everyone’s favourite party poopers to think of ways we could find some way out of our financial struggles. 

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Goodbye and I'm Scared of Death

This is it.
And I’m not talking about the acclaimed documentary-concert film capturing Michael Jackson’s last days. I’m talking about the ruin that is the Golden Word’s financial state and it's now inevitable demise. If this wasn’t our last publication, we would most definitely be talking about This is It as it illustrates the tragic genius of the late Michael Jackson. But alas, our time is too finite to give such masterpiece the attention it deserves.

What I Would Not Spend a Quarter On

At the end of the day you can’t make people care about things they don’t care about; you’d know this to be true if you’ve ever scrolled past a college improv group on Facebook or tried to feign interest in your dad’s fascination with perennial gardening.
So in light of recent news that Golden Words has failed to pass their 25 cent fee increase, here’s a list of shit I could give a shit about because comedy has died a disgraceful death in that referendum and I will never eat brunch with Larry David because of it.

Bitter Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 - April 20 (420 blazeeee whattttt!))

Grey Numbers

I know that there has been a great deal of anger about the perceived injustice of this tragedy, and I can understand the sadness. However, I have something to say on this matter that I think will help. IF THE GOOD LORD WANTED YOU TO HAVE A COMEDY PAPER, YOU WOULD HAVE ONE! All this talk of death and resurrection is ridiculous! It’s sacrilegious! IT’S BLASPHEMOUS! Comedy is a thing of the devil! It is surrounded by hellfire and brimstone and is not to be touched! Laughter is an evil, vile thing and should be avoided at every cost.

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